I’m getting close to that next threshold of ages on surveys…you know, when you can no longer be grouped with that 20-35 group? And, I must admit, it makes me feel old! I’ll be officially closer to 40 than 30. That’s right…I’m almost 36…eek! And in my “old” age, I’ve spent more time lately in retrospect…not living in regret, but thinking of what I want to make sure I teach my daughters as they much-to-quickly grow up in front of my very eyes. So, here’s a few things that came to mind when I considered what things I’d tell my 20-year-old self:
- Don’t rush into living buying the “American Dream”…when we got engaged and married, there were things you were just “supposed” to have and do. You were supposed to be working toward buying your first house. You were supposed to have certain pieces of furniture…real china place settings…and so on and so forth. But, looking back, I think of the many “things” we hurriedly purchased or requested as gifts that are seldom (if ever) used. I think of how we so early in our journey together, put ourselves in holes financially that we would end up spending years to get out of…all because we thought that was just “what you do”. Don’t be afraid to live WITHIN your means…even if it is different that what the norm is. Just enjoy life together.
- And, since it goes right along with the previous statement… Material things really are just things, and they don’t last. The older I get, the more I realize how little the “things” mean…and how much stress and clutter (physically and emotionally) they add. Be mindful of getting necessities and non-necessities confused. No, it isn’t wrong to have nice things, but don’t try to find happiness and fulfillment in things…you’ll fall short every time.
- One of the biggest things I’d tell a “younger” me…Travel abroad while you’re young and not in the midst of parenthood. When I was young and just married, I wanted to hurry to get that “American Dream” style life much too quickly. I wanted a dog…and when I had a dog, I wanted a house…and when I had a house…I wanted a child…and, well, everything changes after that. Looking back, although we were young and in love and growing closer to each other daily, we didn’t give ourselves much time to travel and enjoy the world together. We always planned for those moments…we dream of those moments even now…but those dreams often have to take a side seat to life with kids. I’m not saying that you can’t travel with kids or while you have kids, but I am saying that you have way more responsibilities (physically and financially) once kids are in the picture. So, if you have the chance, don’t rush so fast into that cookie-cutter life you think you should have as a couple. Live a little…see new things…find passions together…don’t run so fast to the next stop on your journey that you forget to enjoy the views along the way.
- Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks you should be doing. I’ve always been a people-pleaser…I’ve spent my life trying to please everyone else, even when it made me unhappy…because, well, that is just me. But, in my “old age”, I’ve realized that it’s okay if I’m not doing everything exactly as someone else thinks I should. I’m not going to please everyone ever…and I don’t have to. In life, if I am doing what God has led me to do, then I’m doing exactly what I should be. Is it easy to be different from the crowd? NO. Do I still find myself comparing myself to others? Yes. But, I’m working daily to remember this…and it’s something that even at their young ages, I’m trying to teach my kids.
- Make time to learn life skills alongside of your grandparents/parents while you have them able to teach. This is still a hard one for me. I lost my grandmother last year to dementia/Alzheimer’s, and still to this day, there are so many things I wish I had spent more time asking her or learning from her. But you see, when I was young, I couldn’t imagine needing, let alone wanting to know those “old” ways. Then, when I was in my early adult years, I was away at college and then busy starting my own life away from home. And, before I knew it, I had kids and longed for those days to return when I could spend the day with my grandmother and learn, when instead, I was taking care of my own little ones. I don’t think there is ever enough time with your loved ones…and, even had I spent every day with my grandma before her passing, I’d still want more. But, if you do still have grandparents, soak in their stories…ask them about your heritage…learn some of their how-to tricks. Those things are so hard to learn when they are gone. And, I promise you, you will want it one day…one day when it just may be too late to get it.
- Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart…it isn’t easy…ever! But it’s single-handedly three of the greatest blessings I’ve ever had in life. It’s full of scary responsibility, and sometimes, I’d love to hide from that responsibility (I think most would say the same). You’ll make a million mistakes…and they are great at keeping you humble in so many ways…but I wouldn’t take anything for my kids and all that they have and are teaching me as they grow up and I grow “old”. The days are sometimes oh so long, but the years are gone in a blink!
- Life isn’t easy…and trials…hard times are guaranteed to come. We so often live in a “Hallmark movie” dream world…where there are always happy endings…life just somehow “works out” before the movie ends. But, that’s guaranteed not to be real life. There will be great moments — bask in them…but there will also be sad ones…challenging ones…incomprehensible ones. And you aren’t always going to be prepared for them in the ways that you feel you should be, because you never see them coming. But, I remind myself often…God has never failed me…and I fail myself often…so there is no reason for me to ever question our journey, but just learn from it and find joy in it. It doesn’t have to be easy to be enjoyable. Often, the hardest journeys in our life have been the very things that brought us the closest to each other and to God.
- Be willing to forgive…over and over again. We are human…we live life with humans…and we are never going to be perfect. People have and will continue to hurt you, intentionally and unintentionally. Make a decision now to be forgiving of others…again and again and again. Do it for yourself. It will affect others, but it will affect you in ways you cannot even fathom.
- Marriage isn’t 50/50…it’s 100/100. This is one time that math doesn’t work. If you only put 50% effort into your marriage and your spouse only puts 50% effort into it, even though it adds up mathematically to 100%, it truly only equals a half effort at best…and that isn’t enough to survive, let alone thrive in a lifelong marriage relationship. Marriage is 100% from both…giving it your best…your all…every day. And, if you do that…you’ll both see that effort pay off in ways even movies couldn’t dream of portraying.
- Live with NO REGRETS. We all know this, but sometimes you get those sobering reminders (I’ve had quite a few lately)…life isn’t guaranteed…tomorrow, even the next hour isn’t a sure thing. If you love someone, make sure they know it. Don’t go to bed angry…make amends as soon as you can…even if your pride has to take a hit. Don’t put off snuggles, pillow talk, bedtime stories, or sunset walks til tomorrow…none of us know how long God has planned for us to have here on earth with our families. Make time to live in the now, seizing the moments we have today, and never give yourself any reason to look back with regret.
So…this isn’t an “exhaustive” list by any stretch. But as I think on life now, and things that I’ve learned over the last almost 16 years, these are the things that stick out the most. What would you say to your 20-year-old self?
