“‘Cause every night I lie in bed…The brightest colors fill my head…A million dreams are keeping me awake. I think of what the world could be…A vision of the one I see…A million dreams is all it’s gonna take…A million dreams for the world we’re gonna make.” [from “The Greatest Showman” soundtrack]
If you’ve seen or heard The Greatest Showman, you probably just sang that song…and you’ll probably hear it the rest of the day (you’re welcome!)
I don’t know if I’ve hit my “mid-life crisis” now or if this is some weird way of coping with my turning 36 tomorrow (you know, I’ll be marking “36-49” on those lovely surveys now…great way to make you feel even older!), but lately, I’ve done a lot of thinking about dreams. Not the ones you have during your sleep. But real dreams…life goals…bucket list type stuff.
My first thought was…why don’t I have any dreams anymore? Or, if I do have dreams (because we all know we had great aspirations and dreams in our younger adult years), why have I hid them so far from myself? How do I get them back? Do I want to get them back? I think back to my young adult years, and some of my biggest “dreams” at that time were finding the right one God had for me (and God sent me way above and beyond with Mark!), settling down and finding a house to make our own, and having a family. And God has blessed in immense ways in all of those areas. But sometime after becoming a mom (times 3), it seems like dreams just took a backseat and life turned to survival mode on a daily basis. Don’t get me wrong, they weren’t bad days (well, some were, of course), but I don’t mean that each day was bad…on the contrary, most were incredibly good! But they were all focused heavily on taking care of all of their needs (immediate and future).
Now I find myself in this weird area of life…a time where I’m even more busy with the kids and their activities (and mine!) with family, school, church, etc. But despite the busyness, I find myself longing for my own dreams to go after again. And, it’s kind-of scary! I don’t like the thoughts of “dreaming big”…because I don’t like failing. I don’t like thinking of putting myself ahead of the kids by carving out time to follow dreams. But I don’t think we were made to stop dreaming just because we had kids…just like we weren’t made to stop “dating” our spouse after marriage/kids…because, if we stopped due to the kids, what happens when the kids are grown (which is much closer than I care to admit) and we are just lost and lonely?! I don’t want that!
Mark and I have been trying very purposefully lately to get back to making our marriage priority, above the kids…taking time for us in addition to good family time. And, I’ll be honest, it’s been wonderful! I try so hard to slow down time to enjoy these years with our kids, but at the same time, I have this quiet desire for the day that we’ve raised our kids into adults, and we get to go enjoy endless “us” time. But that’s a whole different post for a different day…
So, here I am…
ending my 35th year…
about to jump head first into my 36th year…
and ready to dream again.
I’m starting a list…
no matter how scary it may be…
and plan to soon share some of those dreams…
maybe…
mostly for accountability…
but that’s another step…
for another day.
Today, I’m just going to enjoy dreaming.
